Parousians Make a Full Conversion to the Catholic Church

As you all know, conversion is a life long process. This means that we constantly find new ways to commit ourselves to Christ and find new ways in which we are hindered from fully knowing and following Christ. For the latter, these vestiges have to be taken off and the Parousians considers it a noble task to help its members in accomplishing that.

This is why I am proud to announce that Liz Johnson and Angela Miceli have done that by renouncing the ways of Satan. Specifically, they have renounced the St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Bears respectively.

Explaining her decision, Ms. Johnson pointed to the scandals that have rocked the St. Louis ballhouse. “Well, we all know that Albert Pujols does steroids. No one can hit a Brad Lidge ball for a homer run in the NLCS without the use of extreme steroids. After he hit that home run, I began to feel uncomfortable about the Cardinals but I tried to hold faith in Tony LaRussa. Yet in the past few weeks, we’ve been reading Aquinas and the Cardinal Virtues. It occurred to me that the virtues Aquinas was describing was anything but ‘Cardinal,’ at least ‘St. Louis Cardinal.’ I tried to resist that thought, but when Tony LaRussa was caught in a state of drunkenness, I knew I had to reject them.”

Taking Aquinas’s advice that to see good find the opposite of evil, Liz journeyed across Major League Baseball until she found the rivals of the Cardinals, the Houston Astros. Ms. Johnson is very happy with her team, commenting on Roy Oswalt that “it’s so nice to have a pitcher who doesn’t look like a mole.”

Ms. Miceli had a different struggle. She has always been very dedicated to the lives of the saints, and so when the Bears in obvious violations of the rules defeated the Saints in January, she too was troubled. “I’ve always really liked the Saints and the Bears but I’ve never had to choose. When the two faced off in the playoffs, I went with my hometown team. But when I saw the way the fans really were and when I saw that my team, my team had given Rex Grossman a job at quarterback, I knew things were wrong. I’ve come to love Louisiana and so I decided to become a Saints fan. Since I did, it’s been fabulous! Reggie Bush and Drew Brees are awesome, and I really look fabulous in black and gold!”

We encourage you to approach either Ms. Miceli or Ms. Johnson and ask them to testify about the greatness of their new teams.