Calls for Action

Philip DeMahy has lost his body. Philip, who often loses things like cell phones, keys, books, and small children, has misplaced his corporeal self.

Spiritual Philip, speaking to the Parousian Post, explained that he was trying to write a paper late at night when he went to type something only to discover that he had no hands with which to write. He has floated around asking people to help. However, as Philip explains, “most of my friends are really into philosophy. When I first told them, their first reaction was to figure out whether this fit into a Manichean Dualism conception of body and soul. They’re still talking about it. I told them I would go look up in MacIntrye what he said about it until I realized I couldn’t turn the pages of the book... and that I had lost the book.”

Philip however is keeping in good spirits. Or maybe just a good spirit. As he says, “It could have been worse. Usually with stuff I have they explode. I don’t think my body has exploded yet.”

So Philip needs your help in the search. Here’s a picture of Philip to remind you of what he looks like. Remember, he’s a baron and a member of the landed aristocracy, so finding his body will entitle you to a rich reward and a position. Note that Philip’s body may have found itself into a Catholic school girl skirt so do not be deceived!

Sadly, Philip is not the only Parousian is need of assistance. Michael Denton as we all know is an avid NASCAR fan. However, this obsession has led to some irregularities in our friend.

“I can only turn left now. I don’t believe in turning right; it’s unnatural. I can get wherever I want to go by traveling in a circle.” Perhaps this would be harmless in and of itself, but Michael has brought the techniques of NASCAR into every facet of transportation. He explains that “people started to tell me that I drove like a NASCAR driver. So I started thinking, ‘why don’t I do everything like a NASCAR driver?’ So I have.”

This has particularly shown itself as Michael walks around campus. When stuck behind slower pedestrians, usually Greeks, Michael has taken to “bump drafting” them. This technique, normally applied at plate races, requires the person behind to physically push the person further ahead. Michael explains, “well, I get behind them but they’re going slow. I figure, we gotta go for the win, baby! So I slam ‘em. Nothing too hard, just about the same power as Dale Jr. uses when he bump drafts. We usually get pretty far before they can’t take it and peel off, giving me the lead.”

Sometimes they don’t however, necessitating a move called “the bump and run” which apparently is nothing more than Michael pushing the person out of the way. “Sometimes they whine about it. So does Jeff Gordon. Don’t act like Jeff Gordon.”

Specialist Dr. Carl Joseph Giffin was asked about how to fix this. While hesitating to call Michael’s condition a “disease” he did say that NASCAR fixation was a critical thing driving Michael. As Dr. Giffin states, “a love of NASCAR is all pervasive. If not satisfied or interfered with by victories by worthless people like Kyle Busch, then higher dosages of NASCAR must be applied. That is, Michael should go see a NASCAR race and everyone around him should constantly discuss NASCAR so that he does not feel the need to evangelize about NASCAR to the campus community. I myself will volunteer to take Michael to a NASCAR event, but y’all have to do the rest.”
So we need you to keep Dr. Giffin and Michael in your prayers as they go to a NASCAR race in order to help with Michael’s condition. Meanwhile, we need everyone to become a NASCAR fan so that Michael can be constantly exposed to NASCAR. It’s the Christian thing to do.